I was unable to breastfeed my first daughter. We had a complicated delivery and I ended up back in hospital whilst she went home. I was unable to get her to latch and she would writhe around and scream the second that I put her anywhere near my breast. I was absolutely devastated; it had never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to do it. I suffered from PND and carried a lot of guilt for the past two years.
My second daughter was born this January and our experience couldn’t be more different. As soon as she was placed on my chest, she latched immediately and fed for 25 minutes! I was so happy and relieved that I burst into tears. Our bf journey has not been without it’s challenges: cracked nipples and a nasty infection in both breasts, the relentless of the first weeks when she wanted to latch 24/7, and being unable to “share the load”, freeing me up to spend more 1on1 time with my eldest daughter. BUT, I absolutely adore nursing her. 7 months in and we are still going strong! I am so proud of us for making it this far and I dread the day that I will have to stop.
One thing that I hadn’t expected, was how this bf journey has helped heal some of the wounds from my first “failure” (as I thought it was at the time). It has helped me understand that it just wasn’t going to happen first time round and that’s ok.
I now have two daughters. One was bottle fed and one is breastfed. They are equally healthy and happy, and I love them exactly the same. I still wish that I had been able to breastfeed first time round, but knowing that this is the only time that I will do it makes it all the more special